Violence and abuse involves power over another person. Aggressors want to feel superior, control the victim, and dominate in any situation. For them, communication has nothing to do with understanding. This is a game that has a winner and a loser. It doesn’t matter what kind of violence they use – verbal or physical, they are selfish, impatient and insensitive people. They do not forgive or sympathize, remaining jealous, envious, and suspicious. Abusers’ moods can range from loving, playful and romantic to sullen and spiteful. Some punish with anger, others with silence.
Aggressors deny responsibility by shifting the blame onto partners and colleagues. The only thing that drives them is the desire to gain the upper hand. Abusers, deep down, do not feel they have strength of character, regardless of the success they manage to achieve. Therefore, they behave as they were treated in childhood. Self-doubt, shame, and rage, rooted in the distant past, still govern their behavior.
If you endure violence, it will destroy your personality. You need support to deal effectively with abuse. This is especially true if you have been abused for a long time. Without external support, the aggressor will be able to undermine your self-esteem, leading to doubt, insecurity, isolation, and will only strengthen your dependence on the abuser.
What are the victim’s mistakes that escalate the violence?
1. Appeasement.
Many victims, when faced with violence, try to appease and calm the aggressor in order to reduce the intensity of the conflict and prevent another outbreak of rage. But this tactic only inflames the aggressor, who sees in such behavior a weakness and an opportunity to further subjugate the victim to himself. Begging for leniency has exactly the same effect.
2. Dispute.
Arguments with the abuser lead to an increase in resentment and resentment on both sides. Anger grows, so does violence. If you are a non-aggressive person, you will fail. As a result, you will feel even more acutely like an offended victim, powerless in the face of abuse.
3. Attempts to justify.
When you are unfairly accused or attacked, limit yourself to simple denial of your guilt. Defending yourself and explaining at length that you are innocent will make you even more vulnerable and provoke another attack of violence. The victims behave in this way because they desperately want to come up with an excuse for the aggressor. However, he has only one motive – to gain power over you. By starting to make excuses, you are encouraging the abuser. Thus, you send him a message: “You have power over my self-esteem. You have the right to approve and disapprove of me. You deserve to be my judge. “
4. Seeking understanding from the offender.
This is completely useless, but it explains the behavior of victims who passionately want to be understood and heard. Don’t expect the aggressor to understand you or solve the problem. The abuser is only interested in winning the conflict and taking a dominant role in the relationship. Arguing over facts will also fail. Most of the aggressors are not interested in facts, they only insist that they are right.
5. Criticism.
Because abusers are at heart insecure, although they can act tough, their egos are extremely fragile. Some of them, especially narcissists, may react to criticism with anger, rage, and brutal revenge afterwards. To effectively confront violence, do not try to take a position from above and start criticizing them. Be confident and insist on your needs. Call a spade a spade.
What strategies can help you cope with abuse?
Any methods are effective if they are not an automatic, reflex reaction to violence, but require a deliberate approach.
1. Gather information.
Learn everything you know about emotional abuse. Such relationships are usually codependent.
2. Get support.
Individual therapy as well as attending support groups can be helpful. If you are physically abused, you need information about helplines, shelters and legal assistance for victims of domestic violence.
3. Suspension.
Learn not to react or take to heart the words and actions of the emotional abuser. Not responding reflexively is the first step in building self-confidence.
4. Build self-esteem.
Trust your perception of reality. This will open up more opportunities for you and strengthen your position when you confront abuse. Start small: Stop criticizing yourself. Increase your value in your own eyes.
5. Be assertive.
This means not being passive, not whining, not criticizing, not responding with aggression, and not trying to appease the offender. Draw clear boundaries. Follow your strategy.